What Happens To Children Who Have Parents Who Demand Too Much?

Parents who demand too much just want their children to do their best. The problem lies in the fact that they do not encourage them in the most adequate way: they forget how the children are perceiving and receiving these demands. Therefore, what they achieve is precisely the opposite effect.

Many of the parents who demand too much of their children have had parents who act the same way towards them. Nothing seemed enough; there was a dissatisfaction that wasn’t just down to grades. If they played any kind of sport, they were never good enough. There was always a “but” or a “you can get better”.

As this was the environment in which they were raised, they consider it the way they should raise their children. However, this decision has serious consequences.

In search of non-existent perfection

Children with demanding parents try to live up to their expectations. Unfortunately, as nothing they do seems to matter, they begin to feel disillusioned and even guilty. In addition, children may begin to demand too much of themselves, far beyond their own means or the resources they currently have. This phenomenon can trigger situations of stress and anxiety.

This is very serious. According to the ANAR Foundation (Ayuda a Niños y Adolescents en Riesgo, a Spanish organization) “ […] a certain personality structure (self-demanding, need for control, search for perfectionism…) can determine the emergence of certain eating disorders, such as anorexia and bulimia”.

If a child’s parents say to him “It would be awesome if you got a 7 in math” and when he does, they say “See how you do it? Now he has to try to get 9” , it will be difficult for the child to feel that what he achieved has made his parents proud.

This may not happen at first, but over time, parents can demand a 10 when their child gets a 9, and then want him or her to get that grade in all subjects. That way, the child will end up exploding.

This is a habit that becomes destructive when parents insinuate that they will love their child more when he gets higher grades. We are talking about a demanding environment that can be ideal for the development of the aforementioned disorders, anorexia and bulimia.

However, this is not the only way in which children with over-demanding parents can respond.

Parents who demand too much and don’t see results

Children with over-demanding parents may end up not responding to pressure from their parents.

The newspaper La Vanguardia published a sentence by Isabel Menéndez (a psychologist specializing in children and adolescents) that explains very well what happens when children are subjected to high levels of demand for a long period of time: “When we demand too much, we cause stress in the kids. When they reach adolescence and take the most difficult courses in higher education, many of them end up falling apart […] because they are fed up, tired, and rebel”.

As nothing they do is enough, children can start to show different attitudes. They can vary as everyone’s personality is different. However, in addition to the inconveniences already mentioned, these are some warning signs that warn that something is not going well:

• Passive attitude in which it seems that nothing else matters to them. They feel sad, discouraged, and are downcast most of the time. Inside, they notice that they failed. This can lead to depression.
• Rebellious attitudes in which they are aggressive with their parents or start doing wrong things. The goal is to draw attention to a situation they cannot control.

There are many variables, but children cannot always be on the alert, seeking recognition and trying to meet their parents’ expectations.

Sooner or later, they end up sinking into deep sadness or automatically taking a stand against their parents’ expectations, as they have associated them with frustration. The problem is that, in both reactions, there are sad consequences resulting from the demand received.

Children often interrupt their studies or abandon the sport they loved so much. They throw in the towel because they can’t do it anymore. The pressure overcomes them. Therefore, while demanding parents act trying to motivate and encourage their children to do their best, in the vast majority of cases, they can only achieve the opposite effect.