Toxic Relationships: We Need To Talk About This

What are toxic relationships? Well, when you buy an insecticide in the market or a cleaning product, there’s that little skull warning on the package with a “CAUTION!” very visible for you to know: it’s very dangerous, it’s bad, it can lead to your death.

The math then is quite simple. A toxic relationship is bad for you, it is dangerous and can, of course, lead to death… If not the physical, moral, spiritual, self-esteem, self-love. And understand, I’m not referring (only) to romantic relationships, because this inversion of values ​​can be between any degree of relationship that is established with another person, be it a family relationship, a working relationship, friendship and yes, also the loving ones.

How can we know if we are in toxic relationships?

In my private opinion, you are in a toxic relationship when you ask yourself if you are in one. Nobody who is happy and living in a healthy relationship will question whether or not they are in a bad light. What leads to this reflection are those signals that the conscience receives and the heart, stubborn as it is, repels, thinking that everything is a mistake.

I’m not a psychologist, I don’t study human behavior, I’m not going to point out phases of a relationship for you. But I’m going to point out, based on what I’ve seen and experienced, what turns my inner light on and signals: Hey! Something is wrong here!

It starts with subtleties, with you giving up your own life, your privacy, your old circle of friends in favor of this new relationship. You are led to believe that you are acting right and out of love, that this is your time, for the other person to receive your full attention and be rewarded for all the love they feel for you.

She explains to you that she doesn’t know her friends, so she doesn’t feel comfortable with them, she prefers to be alone with you and enjoy the moment. You think it’s coherent and give in. Don’t think that maybe someone who really cares is going to make the effort to get to know their friends, instead of pulling you away from them. Then, when you do this pondering, the other person may relent, look at the territory, and then point out for you all the faults of these so-called friends. She will prove to you that the only one who really likes you is her, who knows you and accepts you as you are, without interest or falsehood. You will be sad and receive all the affection and attention to overcome this disappointment. And the world will then be yours alone.

Your privacy goes away. Your life has been squeezed from your childhood and you open up like a flower blooming, little by little, then feel that comfort to let off steam and see someone interested in listening to you so carefully. Speak, speak, speak and fill your interlocutor with ammunition that gives you back fragments of his own life, as an exchange, 6 for me, 2 for you. Now that you have exchanged confidences and increased this bond, you feel a strange dependence on this relationship, on this person who knows you and understands you, and she is armed with all your weaknesses and strengths and you will see that, soon, this will be used against you.

Understand one thing… You don’t have to prove your fidelity and your feeling, opening up your life and your individuality and disrespecting yourself. Providing your passwords, opening access to your social networks, revealing your cell phone unlock, showing who your contacts are and exposing your conversations to show that everything is fine and that you are faithful and loyal to the other person only proves that there is one thing very wrong there.

“Whoever shouldn’t fear”, you will hear. And if you refuse to open your privacy, you will be accused of having something to hide. “Now I have reason to be suspicious, otherwise you wouldn’t need to hide anything.” Well, it’s not about hiding, but simply not having to prove it. Who trusts, trusts. If you want to leave your life open, because you really have nothing to hide, great, do it, I think these relationships of trust and openness are super healthy, as long as they are on their own initiative and not imposed as a proof of love. We don’t taste love, ever, not at all. Never!

Discussions are frequent, maybe daily, and you start to get scared when everything goes well, because you feel like it won’t last. And I’m here wondering if this isn’t a pretty big light sign showing you’re in a hole. Being afraid to be happy because you know it won’t last!? Check this out! Moments of peace are broken by trivial things that always lead to painful arguments. In the end, you will be led to believe that the discussion only happened because you didn’t understand, didn’t respect, don’t value the feeling, don’t like it with the same intensity, it’s selfish, it’s moving away, it’s allowing the relationship to cool down …

Or you take the blame, apologize, humiliate yourself, seeking forgiveness for what you didn’t actually do, while the other person positions themselves as offended and hurt and forgives you, not without first talking about how bad you act when you do these things and it harms your relationship, or… You take a stand, face the monster and don’t let go of the certainties you have. Sometimes this works well and you hear an apology, so melodramatically employed, with words of gratitude that you’re helping the other person to be better, that you feel these arguments are part of the relationship. So you penalize yourself and the other person explains to you that he was wrong, but that you need to understand that he has this and that weakness that you, insensitive, do not notice. And sometimes you poke the fire-breathing dragon at you and spew out those ventings you did, as punishment for your bad behavior.

“I don’t know, you must have a childhood trauma for this and what you told me. This is affecting you, it’s not my fault.”

“Look, repeating what happened with So-and-so and Sicrano, huh. I knew, you’re the one who does it, that’s why it didn’t work out, you’re like that”.

And so on… You will be like your father, mother, brother, grandmother, boss and all other people who may have their faults reported by you at some point, in a confidential tone. It will be time for you to feel that everything you have lived until today and the way you were treated was actually your fault and your behavior. You are the one who spoils everything around you with your way of being and forces people to treat you like that and deserves all your suffering.

There’s no way… It will enter your mind and you will feel like the worst of people. Will ask for forgiveness, will try to change and will get even closer to this person who not only understands you, but also knows you and knows how to see you like no one else has ever done. Because “no one will ever love you like her”.

Lack of respect starts to be a common thing. Swearing, “shut up”, “don’t piss off”… THEY ARE NOT terms between people who respect each other. And if you don’t live in a toxic relationship but practice this lack of respect between your relationships, think again. People who love each other don’t take offense, never disrespect each other, because it’s simply unthinkable to act like that for those we care about. So maybe you find yourself acting different, saying things you never said and reacting like you never did, you don’t recognize yourself anymore and again your little light tells you that this is not normal.

Dependence masks the feeling

You become dependent on the other person, like a drug, a medicine that cures pain on one side and causes pain on the other. The other person depends on you and makes you feel that without their presence, their life will not have the same meaning. Get scared when someone tells you that they don’t know how to live without you, that there is no life without you… I think that’s something other than love.

It never works with anyone and now you are doing the same harm to that person again. You will receive this charge! The other person has been collecting hurts and a broken heart and never recognized, despite all the feeling it has to offer, because it always meets opportunistic people like you along the way, who do not value it. Well, think about it… If it never worked for her in many previous attempts, is the problem really in you?

I’ve been reading around that we can’t help sociopaths (which seemed like a heavy word to me, but translates this behavior well). But we think we can. Sometimes we believe that we have a mission, that nothing happens by chance, that this person has come into our life because we have the strength to help them get free. We don’t have… And we are weakening over time to the point where we allow it to oppress us, humiliate us, make us feel like a human wreck capable of being assembled only by itself.

You will be attacked, hurt, and purposely offended with the harshest words the other person can find, because they want and need you to suffer as they are suffering. Please… This is not love. Love doesn’t hurt, not on purpose and architecturally.

Jealousy will be proof of love, proof that someone now cares for you and is taking care of you like no one else has ever done. Nobody has liked you so much your whole life, people just took advantage of you. And you… Maybe you’ll accept this proof of love and attention, even if the little light of your conscience tells you that this is no way to show love.

“If I see you’re not happy, I’ll leave.”

“I just want to see you okay, even if it’s not with me.”

“I give up my happiness for yours.”

But dare to break off the relationship, dare to speak at the end and go on without that person around. You will have the opportunity to see the dragon breathing fire again.

I think that comes from this psychological and physical violence, abuse, marital rapes… Which end in death, if not physical, moral, spiritual, of self-esteem and self-love.

But we know… Feel when something is not right. Nobody should submit to that kind of subjugation. However, not everyone can get out of it so easily or even recognize the signs.

You know that conversation you want to have with your parents, a trusted friend, a brother, but the other person convinces you not to do it because that would be opening up your lives, tells you that people are jealous and don’t like her and will want to push them away? Forget about this story and tell someone you trust and who can help you, whether it’s talking, strengthening you or giving you support to get out of it.

Do not find it natural to live in a relationship like this, thinking that relationships are difficult, that you are being weak and cowardly for giving up, that you are showing that you did not feel love. Don’t think it’s natural to suffer and live with this little light inside you signaling that something is very wrong and that you need to take action.

Love involves friendship, affection, complicity, understanding, tolerance, respect and that’s it. Uncontrolled jealousy, anger, disrespect, physical and/or psychological violence followed by requests for forgiveness and a short regret are not included in the package.

Remember when you heard that insult, that scream, that fight without reason, that uncontrolled jealousy, that disrespect would never happen again? How many times has this been repeated since then?

I’m not an expert… But I’ve learned in life that experience is worth much more than a degree.

Pay attention to your conscience’s warning, it will signal with lights and sounds when something is wrong. Your heart will feel “love” but it will be too heavy to be truly happy. And you will know how to identify that something is wrong and that it is time to leave this relationship.