The Pain Of Homesickness: Absences That Never Stop Hurting

Nostalgia is like a misspelling in the heart that we can rarely correct. That’s because there are absences that hurt more than others. These absences weigh on the memory to the point of creating a void through which the quality of life escapes. The lack of someone goes beyond nostalgia and, in many cases, it is not easy to relieve the wound of absence and the pain of longing.

It’s funny how sometimes people describe themselves not according to the make or his personality, but d i zendo things like “I am a person who lost his mother at age twelve” or “I am nothing since my companion left me eight months ago.”

In a sense, absences define us. What we lack leaves a deep imprint that defines our way of being. Therefore, it is not easy to live when in our mind there is only the persistent feeling and the pain of longing.

This constant blockage prevents us from seeing beyond the loss and eliminates the opportunity to perceive ourselves in another way: as a person capable of creating happier and more satisfying realities.

Why is the pain of longing so strong?

Feeling homesick is an essential characteristic of being human. In fact, if there’s something our brain does in excess, it’s looking in the mind’s “rear view mirror” to feed nostalgia.

So much so that studies such as the one carried out at Duke University, in the United States, by Dr. Laurence Jones indicate that the brain is more nostalgic than proactive. In other words, we seem to spend more time evoking memories than focusing on the present.

This fact, which is normal in itself, can sometimes become harmful. We’re talking about when missing someone becomes constant and obsessive to the point where we can’t focus on anything other than that absence. Missing can sometimes be a painful act that puts us in states of high psychological vulnerability.

In addition, subject matter experts such as Dr. Donald Catherall of Northwestern University in Chicago point out that two circumstances tend to be more traumatic when it comes to losses. They are as follows:

Childhood losses, eternal absences

Losing a parent during childhood creates one of the deepest wounds a human being can feel. In fact, death leaves a traumatic imprint that is very difficult to control.

Abandonment also has the same effect. Both circumstances place the child in a state of great emotional vulnerability from which it is not easy to recover. For this reason , it is very common to reach adulthood feeling the weight of this absence.

The emptiness left by a parent not only creates a wound, but also defines an almost constant impression where the person has the eternal feeling that something is missing. This experience often leads to attempts to fill this void through relationships marked by addiction, eating disorders or substance use.

longing for a partner

The longing for a lost love is, without a doubt, one of the most common realities. It’s a kind of pain with many nuances, and they all have one thing in common: suffering. We wish for the happiness of the past, we miss our lover, our friend, our confidant and the person to whom we dedicate our lives.

The end of a relationship means leaving behind what has been part of our lives for a long time. Overnight, we are forced to let go of all that to reinvent ourselves. And something like that is not easy when homesickness and nostalgia weigh heavily.

Also, something we usually do in these cases is idealize. We idealize those people who are no longer with us, thus feeding a false image that prevents us from letting go of the memories that imprison us in the past.

What can we do to ease the pain of homesickness in our lives?

Alfred de Musset, a 19th century French dramatist, used to say that both absences and time cease to matter when you love again. This is not to say that the only way to stop missing you is to look for new loves. In fact, there is something simpler: looking for new passions and new meanings for our reality.

First of all, we must keep in mind that we will never stop missing the one we loved, whether it be a relative, a friend, or a loved one left behind. None of these figures will disappear from our memory. Your memory will always be there, but it will stop hurting. 

Sometimes, behind persistent longing is the desire or need to recover what once offered us happiness and security. However, we must accept that what is gone cannot return.

It is not healthy to live filled with homesickness. Happiness feeds on immediate realities, so we must promote it by creating new experiences and focusing on the present.

Missing is not something negative. On the other hand, wanting to recover what we had is. We must be able to find a new meaning for our reality, seeking new motivations and new goals that allow us to shift focus from the past to embrace the present.