The Hammer And The Wall In Couple Relationships

Couples relationships aren’t simple, or at least that’s what some people think. Perhaps this is because the hammer and the wall can be present in a relationship and those who form it or its surroundings do not notice. It’s a hammer they use to try to knock down the walls that are creating different attitudes in the couple.

Then, through a short story, we’ll discover how the hammer and the wall are nothing more than a metaphor for an excruciating fear that the other person will emotionally withdraw from us. However, we will understand that, as much as we try to hammer, it is necessary to respect each one’s space.

the hammer and the wall

Alicia didn’t understand what was happening to Juan. He’d been a little weird a few days ago, quieter than usual, and that, for her, was being distant. When I asked what was happening to him, the answer was always the same: “nothing”.

For Alicia, the situation was not improving; she was getting more tense and nervous. Juan seemed to get farther and farther away. He said that everything was fine, that he needed to be with himself, something that Alicia couldn’t understand… For her, it was a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

Why did he need to be alone? Was something wrong? Wasn’t he happy? Alicia’s insistence, constant questions, and her list of plans shared with Juan didn’t seem to resolve the situation. Juan needed space, time for him, and Alicia didn’t understand him.

Insecurity in couple relationships

As we’ve already said, Alicia was very insecure; a state derived from the interpretation of Juan’s behavior. She didn’t understand why Juan needed time for him. So, faced with a situation she didn’t understand, her response was to try to change it.

For this reason, the hammer and the wall have become installed in the relationship, causing a conflict that is difficult to resolve. For Alicia, the words “time for yourself” and “space” were synonymous with her partner moving away, and this caused her enormous anxiety.

The constant complaints

As Alicia didn’t give Juan the space he needed, he started building a wall and closing in ever closer. Meanwhile, Alicia, with a hammer, started trying to knock her down, trying to reduce the distance that Juan had put.

From the outside, the solution seems simple. If Alicia changed her strategy and chose to give Juan the space he needed, there would likely be a natural readjustment in the relationship.

However, Alicia’s anxiety and coping strategy only undermined the relationship. But remember that we are seeing from the outside, adopting a spectator role.

The importance of space in couple relationships

All love relationships go through a ‘passion’ phase in which the couple share a great number of activities. The best definition, as this study points out, would be “the state of a person dominated by a living feeling towards another, whom he considers his greatest good, with which he would like to unite forever and for which he would sacrifice, if if necessary, life itself”.

However, over time, each member of the couple needs to reclaim some of that shared space. It is necessary to have friends that are not common or to carry out activities in which the partner does not participate.

If we are in a transition period between the two phases, it will be a good idea to consider whether we do any activities in which our partner is not involved. Also understand that each person needs their space, but we may need more or less than the other: it’s about achieving a balance.

This doesn’t translate to “I don’t love my partner anymore” or “the relationship has gone cold”. It’s the opposite. The space in the couple’s relationship is essential so that the feeling of lack of freedom does not appear and, therefore, so that the hammer and the wall are not present.

Conclusion

Each couple is a world and decides how big or small they need that space to be. Thus, we can identify couples who function very well with a small personal space, and others who do so with a larger functional space. It depends on where they find their point of balance.

In any case, it ‘s important to try to overcome resistance with strategies other than hammer and wall. Also, in cases where we take the hammer, ruled by insecurity, it’s best to look for a professional.

It’s what will help us adopt the viewer’s perspective to identify the problem, and it will provide us with tools to regain lost balance without damaging the relationship.