Selfishness In Love: Give Me Everything For Nothing

Selfishness in love creates real personal catastrophes. There are those who, despite wearing adult clothes, offer themselves to the other through a childlike ‘I’, who see in affective relationships a vehicle to satisfy their own needs.

They are takers looking for donors, they are immature figures who neither understand nor want to understand the language of reciprocity.

Abraham Maslow said that not all selfish behavior is bad. Not at least until we understand what motivations guide and define them.

Thus, and as an example, the fact that we prioritize and invest in ourselves corresponds to a behavior that is not only positive, but recommended for self-esteem. However, on the opposite side, in the darker reverse, we have insane and harmful selfishness.

Erich Fromm was one of the first authors to talk about selfishness in love. According to the author of The fear of freedom and  The art of loving , there are those who conceive of relationships as a clearly instrumental scenario oriented towards taking and receiving.

They are men and women unable to see beyond their precious personal sphere.

Selfishness in love, the fifth knight

When John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, enunciated his theory about the ‘four horsemen’, he overlooked the dimension of selfishness in love. From his perspective, he said that the greatest dangers in a relationship are indifference, defensiveness, criticism and contempt.

We could say, therefore, that selfishness could figure as an equally devastating fifth horseman.

However, in fact, Gottman did not even include this element as an exclusive foreshadowing of relationship endings, in a way, because it is already included in each of the dimensions mentioned.

The person who criticizes, who violates, who despises the other or flees from responsibilities externalizes selfishness, and this is something very evident.

However, as evident as it may seem, we don’t always see it coming. Because, as we all know, there are situations in which love hurts, and it hurts because, in its early stages, it is usually very blind.

Most of us, at some point, have risked everything for someone else. We launched with all cavalry for that perfect-looking and fascinating person to end up on an emotional precipice. Because the selfish person is enigmatic at first, and it’s easy to succumb to his charms.

Later, when she has conquered her ‘giver’, she takes advantage of him and reveals her true face. The person uses emotional blackmail and manipulation to be like a black hole that swallows everything.

And no, it doesn’t give back anything it swallows, because the selfish personality has nothing to offer us except needs and disappointments.

Selfish people don’t love because they don’t know how to love themselves

This phrase may seem contradictory, but it’s worth reflecting on for a few seconds: selfishness in love arises as a result of the inability to love oneself. How is this possible?

We are so used to taking as true the idea that selfishness, like narcissism, corresponds to that personality profile in which a person loves only himself that we do not perceive the hidden reality of this behavior.

As Erich Fromm rightly stated in his book The Art of Loving , the selfish person, in fact, hates himself. She lacks self-esteem, is frustrated and so full of needs that she instrumentalizes relationships to get what she needs.

The selfish partner has no self-respect and demands from others what he lacks

A few years ago, a very revealing article appeared in the Journal of Behavioral and Brain Sciences. He compared altruistic behavior with selfishness.

One aspect that has become clear is that altruistic people feel more personally and emotionally fulfilled. They give without expecting to receive anything in return. They freely offer their time and resources to others because this spontaneous act brings them well-being.

However, the selfish person demands from others what he does not have. She cannot (nor does she want to) offer anything to those around her because the only thing she has are her needs.

She has no self-esteem, self-esteem, or self-assurance. Therefore, selfishness in love is nothing but a trap with which it tries to ‘capture’ someone good enough to serve as a devoted giver.

As we see, these are toxic and painful behaviors in affective matters. This reminds us, once again, of the ultimate principle in relationships: loving yourself is essential to loving others well.

We must learn, therefore, to exercise it in a correct and healthy way, because selfishness is like boats without a sail: they never lead to a good destination.