Love Breakup: It’s Not Your Fault
A breakup in love is often painful for the parties involved. However, the person who has been abandoned may feel much worse because they did not have the opportunity to participate in the decision. For this reason, she may interpret the situation as a failure on her part and develop a feeling of guilt, which is often destructive.
This feeling of personal failure can be even greater if the breakup was caused by a third person. In these cases, it seems inevitable to compare yourself with the third party, which contributes to the person feeling even worse. Now, is it inevitable to have that feeling of “not having any value” when they leave us? Let’s go deeper.
The pain of a breakup
Why do we suffer so much? When a relationship ends, pain invades us, especially if that decision was not ours, after all, we want to stay with our ex-partner. However, there are many processes that come into play in a romantic breakup. That’s when all kinds of changes take place in the innermost part of our being.
When we choose a partner, we don’t do it by chance: there is something that connects us deeply and we decide to stick with it. At that moment, we show our most vulnerable part with the hope of being reciprocated.
If all goes well and the relationship starts, we will enter the dating phase. During this phase, we are enchanted with this person, we admire them and see them as unique. We believe that it complements us and that we find “our half of the orange”, although that phrase is a little outdated.
When the relationship doesn’t go well, we feel completely bewildered. We don’t know what to make of our emotions and we desperately try to keep that person on our side. We can often have behaviors that show that we don’t value ourselves enough.
There are many factors that influence how we act, but most of them come from a terrible fear of being alone. Because of our irrational beliefs about love, when we feel alone, inner emptiness appears and we are afraid of not knowing what to do with it. Sometimes this leads us to act in ways that harm ourselves.
Where does this emptiness come from?
The emptiness we feel when they leave us is ours, it comes from our most intimate part. We believe that we need the other person to feel complete, but this is a serious mistake. Thinking in this way, we are giving an extremely great responsibility to that other person, something that does not belong to them.
When we begin to depend on others to make us feel good, we are laying the groundwork for our relationship to fail. It’s one thing to feel good about your partner, and quite another to need him to be okay. If we put ourselves in that position, we will certainly feel vulnerable and insecure, and that will cause even the healthiest relationship to start to deteriorate.
Building a mature and conscious relationship requires two complete people, not some kind of merging of the two. It’s like dancing a tango: the two members of the couple must know their roles, they cannot depend on each other to take the next step. By uniting the movements, we can appreciate a single dance that pleases both those who look and those who dance.
Likewise, the secret of a relationship is that each one can continue to be himself, despite being part of a couple. To do this, both must take responsibility for their actions. The two of you can love each other intensely and truly, but in the way that fulfills you the most.
When you really surrender, there is no failure
When we truly surrender in a relationship, we feel more connected to the other person. Furthermore, we are acting coherently between what we are thinking and feeling about the couple relationship. Love thus becomes something purer. However, acting in this way is very difficult because we are afraid of being ridiculed, hurt or abandoned.
To lose this fear, we must understand that the worst is not abandonment. So the biggest failure is not the breakup, but the time invested in a relationship where we didn’t feel comfortable— or didn’t give in completely for our fears.
If we were in a relationship where we truly and truly gave, gave our best, and yet we were abandoned, that doesn’t mean we’re a failure. Why? Because during the time we were there, we were totally involved.
In other words, just being in a relationship paid us off enough, because that was what we really wanted to do. We didn’t do it so we wouldn’t be alone, to fulfill a commitment, or for any other fear-based reason. That’s the real success and value of a relationship.
A couple’s history should not be evaluated based on a separation or the length of the relationship. If the other person wasn’t as involved as we were, maybe they failed or just wasn’t compatible with us. In any case, your value as a person is still intact, no matter what. After all, you did what you thought was right.
