Living Solitude Without Sadness

There are three characteristics that define loneliness: it is a subjective experience because it can be felt even when you are in a group; it is the result of one or several unpleasant social relationships; produces anguish and depression.

With the exception of very rare situations, loneliness is something you don’t want, just as it is with sadness. It is not the same as social isolation, as the person does not want it to be that way, but does not feel comfortable with friends or peers who consider them too shallow, empty or unreliable. Loneliness, therefore, has to do with the emotional and social at the same time and, according to experts, also with people’s inability to express their opinions or feelings.

If the ability to relate is lacking, there is more chance of being alone, as relationships will be less empathetic and enthusiastic. Those with a lot of neuroses also tend not to be very nice or appreciated, rejecting all kinds of potential friends to protect themselves from possible rejection.

The most frequent definition of loneliness refers to the lack of companionship and is linked to states of disenchantment, sadness and negativity. However, it does not take into account the benefits that occasional and desired loneliness can bring. The typical “I need to be alone” is only for thinking, realizing certain things, resting, clarifying thoughts, etc.

This is not what happens, for example, when we lose a loved one. This individual disappears from our lives, and in his place is a great feeling of emptiness that cannot be easily filled. Sadness, hopelessness and other similar feelings are not long in coming. We find ourselves lost, with no reference points to continue. This is what is called “unwanted loneliness”, which brings a lot of pain and is one of the most complicated to treat.

As social beings that we are, we need others to be able to feel good. This is not to say that it is only about meeting our needs, but also about helping to increase the development of the other, affirming self-esteem, improving their manners and empathy, etc.

The loss of someone – and therefore loneliness – is irreplaceable, but not irreparable. This hole stays there until we allow ourselves to fill it. Like? With confidence in ourselves we will have enough strength to establish new relationships. This is not to say that the process takes place overnight, but sooner or later it will have to. We must ensure that this person’s lack does not become a “social” or “general” fault with all other beings. 

No doubt this is painful loneliness, but we have the ability to turn it into something positive if we interpret or see it as an opportunity to learn to live differently. We must internalize and control this feeling so deep and irrational, learning not to be afraid and not to think that it is a weakness; on the contrary, it must be facing it as a possibility that it will be our greatest strength.

What is social loneliness?

A person who has social loneliness is one who hardly talks to anyone or just a few family members. It is increasingly common in cities, where we don’t even know who lives next door. If we add to that that fewer and fewer people get together physically and that messages are exchanged via email, cell phone or social networks, the situation is even worse.

Daily obligations, long working hours, stress and crisis are also friends of the social loneliness we live in today. Relationships, in turn, are no longer the same as before, in which people could be trusted more, without the other being concerned about “getting along”. We are changing our nature from being social to becoming technological beings or machines. 

How to overcome unwanted loneliness

These simple steps will help you to let go of the sadness and pain that beset you:

1- Diagnose the problem:  the type of loneliness you are suffering and the reason(s). You have to be very objective at this point.

2- Know yourself:  eliminate the fear that does not allow you to look inside, face the need to be as you are, know your illusions, your limitations, your fears, etc.

3- Farewell to shyness:  take the initiative in your relationships or to get new ones. Establish what kinds of people interest you and devise a strategy for reaching them.

4- Remember that there is nothing to lose:  yes, a lot to gain! The fear of being rejected is one of the biggest obstacles in this problem, either to get a love or a friend.

5- Don’t victimize yourself:  the world may be full of bad, cruel, materialistic or superficial people, but there are certainly many other people with virtues.

6- Don’t close yourself off: if you suffer from social loneliness, but stay at home in front of the computer, your situation will not change much.