Linking Up With Someone Who Doesn’t Know What They Want Can Be Dangerous

Connecting with someone who doesn’t love himself, who lives off the doubts, the insecurity, and those fears and emptiness that others need to balance, nurture, and fill, can be as dangerous as falling into the void without a parachute. Because those who don’t know what they want make love a deadly game of immaturity and subtle irresponsibility.

Let’s talk about loving relationships: When most of us start a relationship, we aspire to build a happy, dignified, and meaningful bond. We want true life partners, valued lovers and mature people capable of building a common project: solid and enriching. That’s what we crave with capital letters and neon lights, however, it has to be admitted that reality is sometimes less gleaming.

According to Dr. Sandra Murray, a professor of psychology at the University of Buffalo and an expert on romantic relationships, spouses who are characterized by classic personal insecurity can turn out to be true psychological saboteurs. Not only that, this type of dynamic where there is someone who never knows exactly what he wants, who does not clearly invest in his own commitment and who doubts everything and everyone, defines a very common type of reality.

A curious thing that this same author explains is that there are many women who usually start relationships with insecure men soon after leaving a complex and timely relationship with a narcissistic person. Finding someone who initially doesn’t seem so self-focused triggers attraction. Seeing that we are facing a person who is fallible, shy and at the same time insecure, can be a reason for seduction by this more human and even close nuance.

However, as the conviviality begins and everyday life unfolds, we discover sharp edges. They are like the tips of a complex iceberg that appears out of nowhere and which we inevitably bump into, facing a cold, distant and even destructive dimension…

Let’s see how this happens.

The consequences of mating with an insecure person

At first, as we’ve already pointed out, this insecurity can seem attractive. There is something captivating, sweet and even seductive in these profiles that are vulnerable, that admit their fears, their doubts, their limitations. Not only that, there is no shortage of people who fall in love with these people, thinking that they can change them, that they can act as true saviors, providing security and moderation to those who balance on the thin thread of fears.

However, it is necessary to understand this better. In love relationships, no one can and should not act as a savior, a hero of low self-esteem, a magician of deep fears or a brave manager of limiting attitudes. This is for a very simple reason: we cannot change someone’s personality overnight, and sometimes, even with time, it is impossible to do so. This work, such a huge and delicate feat, implies only the owner of these intimate and private territories where insecurity and emotional immaturity dwell.

On the other hand, the consequences that we can suffer linking ourselves to an insecure person are many and quite diverse. Below we present some of them.

Personal insecurity in love leaves sequelae

We pointed out at the beginning that sometimes there are those who feel attracted to an insecure person after leaving behind a relationship with a narcissistic profile. And as curious as it may seem, narcissism and the most extreme and toxic insecurity on an affective level have very similar behavior patterns and don’t cause very different wounds.

• Insecure people are characterized by a constant need for external approval and recognition. We cannot forget that those who do not know what they want have a self-esteem in danger. It’s like a bicycle tire that constantly flattens, so it needs to be taken apart and “inflated”.
• Another common aspect has to do with wandering and stubborn behaviors, emotional fluctuations and constantly changing personal goals. Living with an insecure and immature partner is like giving your heart to someone who doesn’t know how to take care of him, who loses interest in him and the next day needs him like the air he breathes.

• The need for control is also a common trait. This lack of personal security often gives rise to distrust, to doubting the bond with the partner, to fear of abandonment, infidelity or betrayal. Therefore, it is common to go through phases where the need to control almost every step of the spouse appears.

As we can see, bonding with a person who has not invested in their personal growth, who is full of fears and who is unable to invest firmly and healthy in the couple’s own project, can be the worst decision.

What to do if we are with an insecure person?

There are degrees of personal insecurity, this is important to emphasize. There are people who are fully aware of it and try to manage it, moderate it as much as possible. However, there are also those who, far from seeing it, assuming it or accepting it, defend themselves against it by wearing an armor of thorns. Anyone who gets too close is doomed to suffer, while the delicate and fragile being inside remains safe…

Thus, the first step to take, if we are linked to a person with this profile, is to get them to assume their responsibility, to be able to see this insecure behavior as the origin of the lack of fulfillment in relation to the couple.

On the other hand, let’s try to ensure that our own lifestyle remains and does not end up subject to the needs of others. Thus, we will not lose our good spirits filling a low self-esteem, nor will we lose ourselves in this emotional scenario where we are sometimes a reason for adoration and the next day a reason for the coldest disinterest.

It is worth remembering that wise love is not fickle, that those who really love know well what they need to take care of and what they should fight for. In a healthy relationship, permanent insecurity is not good, nor is today I love you halfway and tomorrow I love you fully. We need to allow ourselves a courageous, dignified, colorful and enriching love.

Images courtesy of Lora Zombi.