Learn To Deal With The Feelings Of A Painful Breakup

Without a doubt, ending a relationship, be it a relationship or a marriage, is a very stressful event.  And no wonder, because each member of the couple invests a lot in such a relationship; not only on the emotional side, but also on the social and even the economic side. But there is one factor that makes the difference between the pain that is natural and inherent in any rupture, and the devastating suffering.  This factor has nothing to do with what the other person did or did not do; it’s just how solid are the very foundations of love, self-worth, self-care, and self-compassion.

Before abandonment comes self-abandonment

We believe we are in love. Our heart speeds up in the presence of this special person, we enjoy her company and, besides, the chemistry between the couple is incredible. But, in the name of this love, little by little we begin to put aside our own needs and desires or, on the contrary, we begin to control the other so that he or she submits to our own desires and needs.  And even if they seem like opposite behaviors, deep down, the motivation is the same: wanting the other to fill a void of affection that we ended up creating in ourselves.

This “dance” of controlling and being controlled can be sustained for some time and, in some cases, for many years. But someday, the very essence, the sane and authentic part that we have in ourselves, ends up struggling to get out.  And then bitter resentment arrives or the relationship cools off, deteriorating to the point where the inevitable occurs…the breakup.

Exorcising the Termination Demons

This intimate connection established between two people makes us, in a way, vulnerable and, therefore, often, during a breakup, “demons” such as insecurity, inferiority complex, dependence, the desire for revenge, appear, hate and resentment.  Paradoxically, all this hell opens up a great opportunity to face and exorcise these demons, in order to heal wounds and evolve in our personal growth. It all depends on how we face such demons.

* Ignore them: We can avoid facing our pain and our unhealed wounds by many different means: keeping busy so as not to feel, eating, watching TV, surfing the internet, blaming the other, feeling angry, taking refuge in alcohol, etc. The result? The pain and wounds are still there, just dormant, ready to leave the next chance they get. And, of course, this is practically a guarantee of failure in a close relationship.

* Serving Them: As painful and sad as it may be at first, we need to allow ourselves to feel our negative emotions and accept that they are there, with compassion and understanding for ourselves. In this space of love and acceptance of our “dark side”, we paradoxically end up illuminating it, because we begin to attend and take care of our emotional wounds.

The result? By being able to love ourselves unconditionally, we will no longer be emotionally dependent on others, and by learning this, our next relationship will have a greater chance of being more balanced and happy.

Instead of going crazy looking for explanations for the ending, we should focus on listening and answering to our heart’s requests.  This, of course, will mobilize us to do the right thing to get out of grief, such as taking healing actions, such as gratitude; we can get involved in activities for our personal well-being, such as physical exercise, psychological help, or attending personal growth meetings. And even if the pain of termination is still around for a while, it will act as a channel for our healing and our personal growth, rather than causing us to fall into pain.

Image credits: Merkushev Vasiliy