Learn To Accept Your Emotions

“To worry so much about something like this is absurd.” “Not worth it”. “You have no reason to be sad.” “Stop crying”. “You have to get over it.” How many times have we heard these phrases with the best intentions?

People have given us this advice and we also give it to others. They look good and sensible. However, what happens when we try to apply them? They don’t work, we can’t find the magic formula.

Unfortunately, our emotions don’t follow orders or do what we want. It is not enough to change what we feel. The feelings are there and they don’t change that easily.

Also, we are likely to feel frustrated. Feeling good has become an obligation and we are not able to fulfill it. We end up worse off than when we started: we feel guilty, discouraged, and believe anyone can manage their emotions but us.

It is clear that in this way a vicious circle is created that increasingly plunges us into negativity. The greater the obligation to feel good and not care about things, the greater the problem in our minds and the worse we feel.

get out of the vicious circle

A phrase that has often been attributed to Einstein, although it is not known if he actually said it: “If you are looking for different results, don’t always do the same”. Belonging to scientific genius or not, the truth is that this is a clever phrase.

How do you get out of a vicious circle? Taking a different step. In this case, we could ask ourselves what would happen if we changed the phrases and advice we read at the beginning. In fact, this approach has been implemented from third-generation therapies such as Mindfulness and Acceptance and Commitment.

Observe and accept

Instead of fighting negative emotions, try to accept them. That doesn’t mean they will never change, just allow yourself to feel them. Yes I’m sad; yes, this is important to me and worries me.

Observe with an open mind, without judging, because these thoughts always end up declaring us guilty. Don’t strive for continual struggle, because fighting us leaves us exhausted and adrift.

your emotions are valid

No emotion is good or bad; they are all part of us and everything that makes us human. It is human to have ups and downs and emotional changes, it is the flow of life and we know the futility of swimming against the current.

Consider all your emotions valid, feeling them without struggling to change them. You will learn to identify them, understand them (yours and others), take them seriously. You will also find that as you allow your emotions to take their own course, over time, they will pass, one by one, over and over again.

practice with others

Acceptance is not just to help you. When someone feels bad, try using this technique on the other person as well. Consider following her feeling, feeling along with her. Have empathy and acceptance as valid emotions.

If the other asks you for advice, you can give it, but without judgment. You don’t have to feel weird and wrong. Offer to accompany him, to speak if necessary, or to respect his silence. Live the emotional experience and let the other live.

Be strong

Remember that pain is an inevitable part of life. The positive experiences make sense because the negative ones are there… the contrast is what gives them meaning. How would we say we are happy if we had never been sad?

Also respect your suffering, as you did others, without imposing restrictions and punishments on you. You have a right to feel bad, to cry, or to give importance to situations.

Don’t resign yourself: the pain will also pass

Of course, respecting and accepting does not mean doing nothing. It means giving us the time and space we need for the emotion to occur. Once we gain a greater understanding of our feelings, we can decide if there is anything we can do to improve the situation.

Ultimately, the pain will also pass and positive emotions will eventually arrive, and then it will be even more important to put into practice what was learned in the pain. We will have to respond to what we can feel and observe. And we’ll know better than ever what it’s like to feel good. Because feeling good or bad, in the end, is feeling human.