Lack Of Empathy: The Main Cause Of Arguments And Fights

One closes off and doesn’t listen to what the other says. The other screams. The two accuse each other without offering any argument… The main cause of arguments and fights is almost always the same: they are meaningless complaints and conflicts, but full of contempt and pride. We speak, of course, of lack of empathy.

For a moment, let’s think about the last time we had a more or less heated argument. Most of the time, when we start these dynamics that result from a difference, an attack or a criticism, we try to show that we are right. We want the other to understand our perspective and, especially, to recognize their mistake, their mistaken or, if applicable, unfair view.

In addition, there is another circumstance that happens frequently: putting defensive behavior into practice. We enter a state where we put on armor and, above all, we seek protection and attack. This happens in our relationships as a couple, in discussions where one or both of them begin to throw painful reproaches and other low blows, while hiding in their respective positions as victims.

Many of these fights would be resolved readily if we used that magic word more skillfully: empathy. The attempt to consider the reality of the other and to understand him would humanize conflicts and even make them more useful. However, our mistake is almost always the same: we let ourselves be carried away by the emotions and the nebulous reasons that compromise the senses and establish insurmountable distances.

Lack of empathy and understanding, the main cause of arguments and fights

When we share a desire, we want to be understood. Now, the moment someone questions certain things about us, criticizes or debates our “truths”, we not only experience a clear threat, we also feel anger. It’s an imbalance in our emotional homeostasis, so we don’t take long to start a discussion.

If we take a quick look at the popular literature on the topic of conflict, the first thing we’ll come across is the classic article “How to win an argument in 6 steps”, or “How to win an argument and emerge victorious”. We view our discussions as if they were battlegrounds, as if there were always a winner and a loser. It is time, therefore, to correct this approach.

It’s not because this world is full of narcissists, people you can’t talk to, people eager to get into disputes with us, that there are so many fights and arguments. These profiles exist, but they do not define 100% of the population. The main reason for our disagreements is our lack of mutual understanding and lack of real, practical and helpful empathy.

It is possible that people think that all of these are just good intentions. Because in life, there is no shortage of those arguments that start from an unjust motive, a real grievance or an offense that must be defended with cloak and sword. Even in these situations, it ‘s good to understand and put yourself in the other person’s shoes to realize that it might not be worth starting an argument. It can be a waste of time.

Empathy is the best starting point in any situation. See, feel and decipher the other, and then act.

How to come to an understanding?

We know that the main cause of arguments and fights is lack of empathy. How can we train her to avoid these situations and come to an understanding? Check out the following strategies.

• When you have a disagreement with someone, do the following: Ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Reflect on this problem, on the discomfort that word or comment caused you. Is it an unfair attack or is there some truth to this criticism that we don’t want to accept?
• Once we have defined our emotional reality and the reason for this discomfort, it ‘s time to do the same with the other person. Make an effort to get under your skin and intuit, understand, discover. Are you an insecure person and that’s why you attacked me? Are you upset about something I’ve done in the past and still harbored that resentment? Is what you said/did out of fear of losing me or because you want me to react?

• The third step is commitment. Instead of getting carried away by emotions, choose to control them and let them flow to find a solution. Our commitment will be to understanding, not to look for the guilty. We should not relive past memories and use gestures or words that intensify differences.

Final conclusions

In short, we need to be able to forget about fury or the twinge of anger. Furthermore, we must know how to show the other that opening where empathy is palpable, where an attempt to understand and close deals is visualized. We can say that this art is not easy, that it requires time and hard inner work. However, this effort can help us enjoy our relationships much more.