Kindness Doesn’t Have To Be Above Assertiveness

Right now you may be thinking, “Seriously, are you saying that kindness can be a problem for a couple? I wish it were like this with me!”. Yes, I say again, as the musician and composer Ricardo Arjona says: “this idiotic fear of getting old without someone by your side makes you choose with your head what belongs to the heart”. We made a mistake right there.

Because, as incredible and absurd as it may seem, kindness and any misinterpreted feelings or emotions can be a serious problem in a relationship. Even the noblest intention can be implied and turn into pain, anger, misunderstanding…

What does science say?

To understand the problems that kindness can generate in a relationship, it is good to know the study that a team of researchers at the University of Toronto conducted a few years ago on this topic.

In this case, research has shown that kindness can be a serious problem whenever one of the members of the relationship has the inability to reject. What does that mean? That due to the need to feel acceptance, the choice may be a profile full of incompatibilities.

People have a need to socialize. Furthermore, we are empathetic to a greater or lesser degree. However, this situation, taken to an extreme, can allow, by the simple fact of avoiding a conflict, a member of the relationship decides to accept a situation that in reality is not tolerable.

Throughout the study, researchers found that certain profiles with excessive empathy and a high degree of kindness suffered serious problems when choosing a partner because of their inability to reject, fearing later that they would feel guilty.

Kindness transformed into an affective problem

It is evident that the excess of empathy and kindness can generate serious affective problems related to bad decisions in the relationship. Excessive affection that builds up over time can lead to serious psychological distress and illness. That’s why it’s important to take certain steps:

• Even though it seems abnormal, it is important to know how to say “no”. Always with courtesy, but without excesses. A timely rejection can be an important mental health exercise. Not everyone knows how to express a negative, but it is necessary to do so to avoid uncomfortable situations for the mere fact of feeling acceptance and wanting to look good in your social circle.

• Kindness in a relationship can be associated, in many cases, with feelings of guilt. Putting your interests ahead of your partner’s, always consistently, can’t be a reason to feel guilty.

• There are also cases where the kindness of a member of the relationship is associated with low self-esteem. People with servile tendencies actually hide profiles full of insecurity that prefer to accept everything rather than not being accepted.

• If we look carefully, guilt, the inability to say “no” or low self-esteem are always associated with profiles with a lack of self-confidence, which can be alarming. In this case, there are serious cases that must be studied by a professional, as moving forward will cause irreversible psychological conditions.

Is it possible to avoid these situations?

A relationship should never be a well of insecurities and problems. Although it may not be perfect, it is necessary to consider the relationship with the person you love as a situation that improves your quality of life. Otherwise, it might be a good idea to rethink the terms of the situation. To find out if this is so, stick to certain attitudes such as:

• If you are a person who gives in in a disinterested way constantly, but doesn’t get adequate answers about it. If you feel that someone is abusing your kindness and good treatment, perhaps you should rethink the situation.

• Healthy kindness often goes hand in hand with optimism. However, your partner may feel uncomfortable in this case. You may have the image that the other person is naive or even “silly” because of an excess of kindness. If it gets to that extreme, there are reasons to doubt.

• If you notice that your partner doesn’t take you seriously and thinks your kindness simply responds to a pose of false happiness, you may not be with the right person.

• If your partner does not reinforce your personality and optimism and becomes a source of insecurity for you, denying your reasoning, your lifestyle and your way of being, you must ask yourself if it is the ideal profile for you.

Definitely, if something as beautiful and admirable as kindness can become a source of unhappiness and couple problems, then clearly something is missing in this relationship.