Is Shared Disgrace Easier To Bear?

There are several popular sayings that address, from different perspectives, the following question: is a misfortune more bearable when it is shared?

On the one hand, “ill of many, comfort of fools” refers to the folly of believing that if a misfortune affects more people (and not just me), I will be relieved. In reality, your problems will not be solved because others are in the same situation.

However, other sayings highlight the comforting element of knowing that we are not the only ones going through a difficult situation. Can this have any truth? The answer is yes. There are many everyday situations in which we find this phenomenon.

When a student scores poorly on a test, the negative impact is reduced by knowing that most of their classmates had the same problem. Likewise, support groups for people with a psychological disorder are a great help for the simple fact that they allow you to connect with someone who is going through the same situation.

But what is the basis of all this? Are we happy with the misfortune of others? Are we intrinsically bad? No way. There are several reasons that explain the existence of this process.

Shared Disgrace and the Impact of Social Comparison

Research in social psychology has been realizing for many years the pressure exerted by the social group on individuals. Much of our identity is forged in relationships with others and therefore its influence on our self-image is very great.

All human beings tend to compare themselves with others in order to measure their worth and suitability. The result of this comparison will impact our self-concept.

Therefore, when a misfortune befalls us, the comparative balance leans against us. We feel different and inferior and we start to create negative emotions.

Finding other people in the same situation allows the comparison to be more favorable. This somehow protects our self-esteem: we are no longer the only ones who “failed”.

It’s not a disgrace, just part of our humanity

The relief of knowing that a difficult situation worries others is that it reminds us of our shared humanity. When a negative and unexpected event happens, the emotional shock can be overwhelming.

If we miss an important test, if we are betrayed, if we suffer from a panic disorder…. All these situations put us in an initially disadvantaged position. We feel that we have failed as a person, that we are inadequate, that something different happens to us.

Being aware that we are not the only ones broadens our perspective. It reminds us that we are all human, that we all experience positive and negative events. That, finally, pain is as much a part of the human experience as pleasure.

Success and failure are both part of the adventure of life.

This helps us to calm our minds, to silence the internal dialogue that accuses us, and to normalize our emotions as a passing and acceptable process. Also, seeing how other people face similar circumstances can motivate us to use our own resources. From other experiences, we may have ideas to do better.

take action

While finding relief in shared misery, it’s important to keep in mind that the key will always be action. If you didn’t pass an exam, you will need to study more for the next one. The fact that many other colleagues also got low grades will not improve your resume.

Likewise, if your relationship ended, you will have to use your inner coping resources and move on. It is not advisable to join those who are going through the same experience to sink into suffering, but to motivate yourself to move forward.

Finding people in the same situation shouldn’t make you settle for victimization, resentment, or anger. Your attitudes will always be the ones that will get you out of where you are and get you where you want to go.

So if you’re going to look to others, let it inspire you to keep going. Notice how they accept error as part of life and learn from it. Lean on others to fix your wings and fly again.