I Committed To You, Not Your Family

You can choose the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but not the people who accompany them. The spouse’s family and friends can be a problem in the couple’s life, even contributing to the end of the relationship.

A phrase that justifies bad relationships or the distance that is created with the spouse’s relatives is “I didn’t commit to your family, but to you”. However, you need to know that when we commit to someone, we also commit to the world around them. We are not obligated to have a great relationship with the people of this world, but we should try to maintain a cordial relationship.

On the other hand, getting along well or badly with another person depends on several factors, because each family is a world. It’s one thing to live miles away from your in-laws and brothers-in-law, and something very different to share the same house or be two blocks away.

Women tend to establish a closer bond with their husband’s family (generally). This bond can be a great source of happiness when shared and cared for, but on the other hand, closeness also increases the likelihood that more sparks will arise.

The worst situation we can face in this regard is when one of the parties, be it the spouse or the family, pressures the person to choose between one of the two “sides” that were formed. We dare not give a single solution to this conflict as it requires an in-depth analysis of each situation, but we can say a few things.

Even after this critical moment, things can be redirected. It is not uncommon for people who demand this choice to do so as a last resort, as a way of demanding more attention or gaining a little more space in front of the other person. If they succeed, they will withdraw your demand without further complications.

On the other hand, when there is a choice of this type on the table, it usually has a long path of disputes behind it, which it was not possible to deal with at the right time. As we said before, there can be a thousand situations and the one I will describe now is certainly not the same as yours, but it is one of the most common. In many couples, even when the two people who make it up have reached the age of majority, one or more of the parents continue to think that their son or daughter is a helpless sweet little pimp in a world full of dangers.

And so, they continue with the intention of taking care of them in an overprotective, controlling and in some cases even dictatorial way.  It is difficult for the spouse of a person who has a parent to feel comfortable. Imagine planning your vacation and informing your respective parents. and that one of them opposes the plan they made, manifests itself openly and seeks to sabotage it using less than noble psychological strategies. (For example: emotional blackmail).

In any case, a nosy parent doesn’t usually have much affection unless the son or daughter consents. Usually, serious problems arise when parents and children have not matured. So one wants to protect and the other wants to be protected. In this way, children should be the ones to distance themselves from their parents when they realize that, even with good intentions, they are intruding on their happiness.

On the other hand, to believe that a bad relationship with the spouse’s family is always the fault of its members would be to be untrue. There are many other cases where the person who does not act correctly is the spouse. A common situation often happens when there are young children involved, and the spouse does not want them to share time with their family without a justified reason. Or when there are holidays of celebration and the person uses less than noble psychological strategies so that the dates are always celebrated with their family, and not with their spouse.

Is it possible to get along with the spouse’s family?

With rare exceptions, the answer is yes. There is no specific reason why you cannot get along with your spouse’s family Now, it is quite true, as we have said before, that there are people who make things more difficult than others.

For simplicity’s sake, let’s put ourselves in the situation of a young girl who’s been with her boyfriend for some time, and together they’ve decided it’s time to start making family introductions. It is true that this situation tends to cause tension the first few times, because the people who participate in it assume that they are faced with an evaluation context.

This interpretation of context can disappear along with the anxiety, but it can also remain firm and strong. There are boys who have shared the table and tablecloth with their “in-laws” many times and are still afraid that, at any moment, their partner’s father will show the shotgun. This should be understood as a small joke, but also as a portrait of what sometimes happens on a smaller scale.

If this feeling never disappears, it is very difficult to maintain a good relationship between the couple and the “in-laws,” since no one likes to be continually in a context in which they feel valued. In this situation most of our behaviors are artificial and we don’t feel like ourselves. Furthermore, in a situation like this, it is very difficult to communicate sincerely and openly, which is essential for resolving a conflict.

Thus, a tense relationship without reasons for coping remains, but it is very difficult to maintain one with reasons for coping, as the proper communication channels were not created to resolve it. What usually happens, if the situation becomes dramatic, is that both parties end up pointing out the confrontation on their list of things to do, in case they ever need to face a battle.

In situations like this, the person in the middle of the “fight” has a really unpleasant role.  On the one hand and on the other, you have to hear things you don’t like and that make you sad, coming from people you love. Even so, whether the situation improves or worsens will depend a lot on your social skills, on your ability to be a good communication channel.

Only you will have this answer depending on your particular situation.  You must remember that it is very important to maintain a good relationship with the spouse’s family before saying yes at the altar or signing the certificate at the registry office.

It’s not an obligation, to put a fake smile on your face every time they come home for lunch, or to secretly hate them, but to learn to accept that these people have been in your spouse’s life for much longer., certainly before you meet him.

Maybe it would be good to “put on each other’s shoes”. That is to say, how would you feel if your partner made you choose between your family or him? What would you like family Sundays, birthday celebrations, or New Year’s Eve to be like? What if your spouse says he can’t stand his parents?

It’s good to be objective and assume that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. We cannot intend for others to change if we don’t do it ourselves first. So if your spouse’s family isn’t the “ideal” one, learn to identify those things that are positive (we all have something that stands out).

Also, if you really love your spouse, perhaps you should know that you have accepted being with him/her for the rest of your life, regardless of the odds. Of course, because a nosy or very present family can be included in the group of “problems to overcome as a couple” and that will help them to strengthen the bonds between you.

How to have a good relationship with the spouse’s family?

Can we accept our spouse’s family to the point where we seem to marry them too?  Extremes are never good. It’s not about never seeing them, nor about keeping them inside our house all the time. Regardless of the affection you have for them, the couple must be sufficiently “impervious” not to let others intrude on the decisions of life together.

However, there is some advice so that you can get along with them and so that it’s not all a battle, an argument, or a tense silence:

First you should set certain limits. Know what you can accept and what not when you visit your spouse’s family or they come to your home. Make it clear from the outset what these non-negotiable limits are. Who should you talk to about this topic? With your spouse, for sure. You may be open enough to talk directly to the person involved, but that’s not always a good idea. Some can be quite susceptible and create additional problems. Be careful.

Don’t put your spouse “between the cross and the sword” by forcing him to decide between your family or you. We all have the right to maintain our bonds. Besides, parents are parents and that doesn’t change for nothing. If the situation becomes unbearable, don’t spend time with them, but don’t force your spouse to forsake them unless they’re causing you harm.

Another way to get along with your spouse’s family is to think about who you have by your side, not yourself all the time. This means that if you have to go to lunch with your in-laws, do it for your spouse’s happiness. It will be a detail he/she will likely value.

Try to be yourself. Don’t be someone artificial. Your “in-laws” are still people with interests, needs and a great desire for your child to have the best. If you are yourself, your spouse will likely recognize you more in the times you spend with their family, and they will have a greater sense of happiness. If you’re normally a happy person and right now you’re the bitterest person on the planet, it’s hard for your spouse to recognize you as the person you’re in love with and therefore pass it along to your parents.