How To Defend Against Psychological Abuse
More times than we’d like, the world doesn’t look as nice as it should be. It is not uncommon to come across indifference or lack of sympathy, but you learn to deal with them. The bad thing is that sometimes you not only have to face the coldness of the surroundings, but almost imperceptibly end up feeling victim of psychological abuse with all the lyrics.
It occurs in a supermarket when you are deliberately robbed of your place in line. It also happens at work, if you’re unlucky enough to fall for those bosses who are more like dictators. Abuse also appears more and more frequently in schools and, why not, in your own home.
is everywhere
Faced with the abusive subject, there are some who react effectively. They put a limit to psychological aggression without much thought. On the contrary, others respond by being even more abusive and the outcome is always unpredictable. The one who is better trained to psychologically abuse others wins, although they usually negotiate to stay “even”.
But in many people, especially if they received a very restrictive, overprotective upbringing or have self-doubts, childhood fears, cracks in self-image emerge. They are the abusers’ favorite victims. They know that someone scared is fertile ground to set up their petty empire of arbitrariness.
A very strong bond is then formed: the abusive desperately needs his victim to compensate for his narcissistic need for power; and the victim feels that it is completely impossible to escape his aggressor, who does not have the necessary attributes to do so.
The bad news is that breaking this infernal circle requires a huge investment of energy and value. The good news is that even in the most extreme cases it is possible to get out of there. The question is: how?
Getting out of the circle of psychological abuse
The first task is to recognize your victimhood. Please don’t be tempted to justify the mistreatment you receive. Every abused person feels inwardly that, in one way or another, he deserves it. This is a lie. It is an unconscious reaction that is due to conflicts with yourself and with authority figures in your past.
Your next step should be to find support in others. Don’t look for someone who will “save you”. Start by simply exposing your situation to people you trust. If solidarity is part of the problem (as it often is), it doesn’t matter. Look for a priest. Talk to the manicurist. Tell a neighbor. The important thing here is not for you to find guidance, but for you to verbalize what is happening. By doing this, it is very likely that you will feel stronger and stronger.
Identify the expressions the abuser uses to intimidate you. Analyze them. Remember that abuse is in any statement that calls into question your worth or diminishes you as a human being. Faced with these statements, begin to oppose language formulas that reaffirm your presence. For example, in front of the classic “You are not capable of…” , respond with “Maybe not right now. But I want to learn how to be capable and I will try”.
Next, you must gradually expand the emotional distance with the aggressor. Never confide in him and start pulling him away from the private aspects of your life. Don’t negotiate, be firm. When you feel that it’s time, start expressing your discomfort clearly and directly with the way he treats you. Don’t accuse him. If you do, you will be able to make a long list of excuses. It’s better to tell him what you feel: “When you scream, I feel scared, and I don’t want to feel that way.”
Extend the scope of these actions further and further, and you will see how, step by step, you will get out of the abusive circle. If the situation is more serious and poses psychological or physical dangers for you, don’t hesitate: you need to ask for professional help. It is your duty to consult a psychologist and a lawyer. Do this as soon as possible and don’t allow yourself to put it off.
Image courtesy of Bruno.
