Grief Myths: Common Pitfalls In Loss Management

There are as many griefs as there are significant losses, and each person experiences them in very different ways. However, as with many phenomena, there are some myths about grief that need to be cleared up, especially as they greatly condition the emotions that accompany grief itself.

Many of the beliefs we learn throughout life are shaped by myths about grief that make us vulnerable. Becoming aware that the pain produced by the loss does not weaken us helps us to understand this human and adaptive response as something natural.

Myths about grief

Losses and everything they involve are part of life. However, the grief that accompanies loss is often misinterpreted. Therefore, it is necessary to review those myths about grief that are somehow still present in the collective unconscious:

• You have to be strong. We need to discard the idea that sadness is a feeling that belongs to the weak, to people with little resilience. In order not to project this image of fragility, we put on masks while we crumbled from the inside. Plus, we do it so well that we make empathizing impossible, so it’s much more complicated for anyone to help us.
• Grief is like depression. It is true that both share certain manifestations, such as crying, deep sadness, apathy, detachment… But remember that grief is a normal reaction to a significant loss.

• Grief only happens when a loved one dies. Grief is a normal response to experience of loss of any kind. A relationship, a pet, a state of health, an object, are other types of losses that can motivate a grieving process. Often these other types of grief are even more muted, less recognized, more disabling.

• Medication is needed to relieve the pain and anxiety associated with grief. Grief is not an illness that must be cured and the associated emotions are completely normal. In some cases medication may be indicated, but normal symptoms are signs that patience and understanding are needed.
• It’s better not to talk about it.  Friends believe the best way to help is to avoid the subject and try to distract the person. However, the truth is that people who are grieving often want and need to talk about their loss.

Another erroneous beliefs about grief

• If you don’t cry, you’re not sad about the loss. Crying is not the only response to a loss or a necessary manifestation of sadness. People can feel very deep pain and show it in other ways.
• Grief is a linear process. It is true that many authors have found common phases in the grieving process, but grieving is a process of personal elaboration.

• Grief and loss are the same thing. Grief refers to the experience itself and is a personal response to a loss. Loss is the outward expression of grief, that is, the social response we openly share with others.
• When death is “natural”, it does not generate grief. The death of an older person may be more expected; however, this does not mean that the process of overcoming this loss is less profound.
• You need to move on. As we adapt to the grieving process, we will resume our life, but the relationship with the dead person will always remain in our memory and in our hearts.
• The one who cries the most is the one who suffers the most: grief is not reduced to sadness and tears. This process also involves guilt, anger, fear, shame, etc. There can also be moments of joy and peace, among other things.

• Time heals everything. Grief is an adaptive response that never ends; we learn to live with it over time. Despite this, some emotions can resurface at any time when we remember our loss.

• One nail takes another nail. Phrases like “there are many fish in the sea” teach us that to overcome a loss, we must replace it, but this is a big mistake. Substitution does not provide the relief we are looking for.
• It is better not to know the details of the event or see the body of the deceased. Knowing the details related to a loved one’s death helps to accept the reality of the loss and to reduce possible confusion and lack of information. However, it is true that in some very impactful cases it is advisable to verbally and tactfully explain what happened.

• Believing that seeing the deceased means you are going crazy or on the verge of depression. Especially at the beginning of mourning, it is very common to see or feel the deceased person. However, it is important to pay attention to signs that show a change in the grieving process and seek professional help if necessary.
• The more love a person had for the deceased, the more painful the grief. There are no rules that explain how the grieving process is, as it is an experience that depends on many factors, not just the love that has been lost.
• The person who suffers a loss must resume activities immediately: the  busier, the better. Not quite. It is helpful for the person to have some time to reflect and experience this loss. Too quick a return to daily activities can affect the grieving process.

• Children lack the ability to understand death and the grieving process;  it is better to deny everything and protect them from that reality. Children pick up people’s emotional reactions very well, and thinking that they don’t understand what’s going on is a big mistake. It is important that children go through the grieving process at the same time as the rest of the family.

Breaking the myths about grief is very important to help people deal with this very natural process. The path that leads to healing the pain caused by a loss involves walking to that pain. Allowing ourselves to feel and express what we are feeling is the best way to deal with grief.