Forgive Me For Not Loving You…

I saw everything messed up in my absence from your life. I don’t know if it was your act, if I was the one pulling the string for the organization in our life, or if I broke your world down. That last possibility brings me a little guilt, I confess. We were happy, right? And when I decided to leave, I believed I was doing the best for us. I didn’t want to see you collapse or lose your strength. Forgive me for that.

I know… You will say that I have no right to decide what is best for you. You’re right, I’m not. But I have a duty to decide what is best for me, and it was with great suffering that I looked at both of us seeing the end. My happiness was gone.

It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Honestly, I’ve always felt that the end of a relationship is their fault 99% of the time. But I was the one who decided to (physically) depart from this relationship, because we had departed from each other’s lives a long time ago, you know that.

I haven’t been able to love you the way you are

When we started on this journey, I envisioned a relationship that might have been around for some time. It was with pride that I watched people praising the couple we were, the family we built, the beautiful children we had. Everything was perfect. But there was an emptiness in me that was difficult to fill… And every day I charged you for it. Would it be fair to you to continue like this?

It’s… I can’t decide what’s best for you. But I can choose not to be the bad guy in your life. That’s why I left. I no longer had the love in me that you might need. Forgive me for not loving you anymore.

I considered making that decision. I thought of you, of us, our children, our parents, our “friends”… For countless times I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time and with tears in my eyes I asked my reflection: Are you sure? But what do you want out of life? Are you sure?

I didn’t know exactly what I wanted out of life. But I didn’t want to be with you anymore. I made a list of all their faults and used them as fuel not to backtrack on my decision. I punctuated all the bad things between us and clung to them so I wouldn’t forget that this wasn’t the life I wanted anymore.

So someone advised me to do the opposite, to balance the good things between us, the reasons that made me stay and that would keep me going. To my surprise and sadness, there was nothing left to cling to. I thought we had built a solid foundation, on the rock, I thought we had the cake recipe, that we were a perfect couple, and I didn’t notice that love reigns in the imperfection between two parties who do fear, every day, they will no longer have the other close by.

We are no longer afraid of the end, because we believe it would never come. We stopped keeping love, healthy jealousy, daily affection, caressing and moments alone, because we reached a point where our arrogance judged to have an unshakable relationship. That’s how we don’t see love ending day after day, a little bit every day, in homeopathic and fatal doses.

Me without love, I’m nobody… I need to love and I need so much to get that love back

I no longer saw any reason to love in you, and after repeating it hundreds of times to the reflection in the mirror, “Are you sure?” I decided, for myself, as selfishly as I could, that I didn’t want to stay any longer. Because if I did, I wouldn’t be the person you deserve anymore, and no matter what kind of person you really are, in the name of all the years we’ve shared together, you deserve the happiness and love I can no longer give you.

I went my way. I found new love. I didn’t wait another minute because I’ve waited years while we were together and how much longer should I wait? I left carrying the guilt, wishing I had the power to make you well, without hurt, understanding my reasons and, hopefully, agreeing with them.

I don’t know if it was like that. I don’t know what feelings you carry inside of you. I saw sadness and I saw your abandoned world, it seems that it was parked waiting, who knows, my regret, the confirmation of my mistake in deciding to leave. There is no mistake. I’ve checked my heart several times to make sure I don’t love you anymore. Not with the man-woman feeling. Not without looking at you with that brotherly concern for your well-being. It doesn’t race the heart. Does not shake the body. Not exciting. They turned days after days, in a mechanical movement of life.

That’s why I left, carrying a huge guilt on my shoulders, because I promised and swore love looking into your eyes, in front of that Justice of Peace and in many other moments when I hugged each other and said I would always be there. I didn’t count on the end. In those days, you gave me plenty of reasons to breathe in every bad moment and think about all the good things that would keep me going.

We are wrong when we trust this ‘pseudosolidity’. We were wrong when the tongue kisses were over, eye to eye to say “I love you” and the message in the middle of the day. I was wrong when I said that I no longer believed in romantic love and that I thought a love-friend was what made the relationship last. That day, when I took what was bad between us and put on makeup to make it look good, I chose to cultivate the poison that killed our relationship.

I left… I postponed and postponed the decision for too long and the wave became so big that it washed away. The family, the house, the children… None of this made a safe barrier to keep me there. I left with fake courage, with my chest puffed out and solving my life, that’s all. My heart was filled with fears and uncertainties, but with full conviction that there was no longer my place, my home.

Looking at it now, I feel like I’ve made your world fall apart. I’m pretty sure his world was leaning on me and I removed his prop. I remember your angry expression asking me if I thought you wouldn’t survive without me. Of course I never thought that. But I wanted to see you better now. I wanted to make a decision that was actually good for both of us. May I alleviate my guilt for looking you in the eye and feeling that I can’t love you. Forgive me for that.

Maybe you hate me. Maybe one day you’ll thank me. Maybe you love me. Maybe you feel angry and hurt and it will end at some point. Maybe one day we’ll sit down, have a coffee and you’ll tell me about your life, tell me it was much better this way.

Maybe I shouldn’t ask your forgiveness for not being able to love you. Perhaps I should apologize to myself for carrying this guilt, for deciding for my happiness, for feeling that I have responsibility for yours. Maybe… But it’s with conviction that I look at the reflection in the mirror today and answer: – I’m sure!

I don’t know where I’m going… But where I am today makes me happy, that’s why I’ve released my body weight and I’m letting the wind take me, occasionally adjusting the sails and following my heart. I no longer have this romantic love, but I have gratitude and respect for the history we’ve built, the years we’ve shared, and I have in my heart the sincere desire that you find the happiness I can’t give you.

Forgive me for not loving you… But if you can’t forgive me, be happy. So I’ll already have my redemption.